i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
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Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
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Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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