Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
