where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
