im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
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