Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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