If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
