the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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