if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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