The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
