I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
