I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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