I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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