You just made me feel so damn special
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
