She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
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yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
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I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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