Ambien. No doubt about it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
