She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
