does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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