i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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