it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
