new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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