it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
