she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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