the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
