Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
