fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
