Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
