your thong is hanging out like whoa
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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