I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
