I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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