If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
