I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hippo gnu deer
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
