You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
