come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
