maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
