For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Text me some of your sweat
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
