Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
