You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
