He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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