I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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