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I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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