I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
