does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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