I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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