I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
