College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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