me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
