I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
