ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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