I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
