I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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