another moral hangover. fuck.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
