I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
