Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize