Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
