I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
